Thursday Thoughts: The Currency of Friendship

I had a fitting for a bridesmaid dress today. I am in two weddings in 2018. TWO. (I am also attending 3 as a guest. I already want to die.)

Both are for college roommates. I was picked because it is courteous and customary. I am an outlier friend. I never answer group texts. I never remember birthdays. I screwed up our secret santa group last year because I accidentally sent a gift to the wrong girl. I am not proud of this. I don’t think I am cool or quirky.

I am a terrible friend because I feel better when I am alone. I am a terrible friend because I am mad when I am not a part of everything. I want to keep my cake and eat it too.

I’ve been thinking a lot about friendships in regards to my current WIP. I’ve never said much about the plot, but it does involve a homecoming and facing friends you have abandoned–facing the fact that your friends did not sit stagnant in your absence. How much do we owe to another person?  Is it terrible to think you owe or are owed something in a relationship? Maybe.

Friendship is beautiful, but it is also hard work. I wish it was as easy as a photo on Instagram.

Maybe we should bring back Myspace top friends–at least I would know where I stand.

This post is starting to sound like a sub-AIM-away-message (before subtweet was a thing). It’s not. It’s really not. I have lovely friends who have put up with a lot of my bullshit. I have friends that I have known since 4th grade who understand me and can go months without seeing, but I always feel comfortable around.

But I see my faults when I try to be a friend. It’s uncomfortable, but it is necessary. They make me want to be a better person.

Maybe one day I’ll be a friend worth talking about.

Thursday Thoughts: Self-Doubt is a Bad Date

This blog has turned into a LiveJournal, and I am not angry about it.

I’ve been in a funk recently.

Self-doubt is a trap. I want to cut off my arm and run. I want to trap someone else in it, so I can get away.

I can tap into my selfishness easily, and that worries me. Would I be the asshole in the apocalypse movie? I’ll work on that.

I have a lot of things:

Self-doubt about my writing.

Self-doubt about my future.

Self-doubt about the choices I have made.

Self-doubt about the choices I do not get.

Self-doubt is a creative killer. I’ll work on that.

I am going to kick self-doubt in the nuts. Or the uterus. Maybe I should not assign a sex to an idea.

If self-doubt were a person, they would still wear Ed Hardy.

If self-doubt were a person, they would vote to end net neutrality.

Don’t date self-doubt, Elizabeth. They are not the good kind of bad you need.

Self-doubt is not dark, handsome, and mysterious.

They don’t even own a car.

Self-doubt drives a moped.

How about a self donut?